An AP article caught my eye today. Partly because of its content, partly because its dateline was Columbus, my old stomping grounds.

The article describes some 300,000 people living in the U.S. who call themselves “sovereign citizens,” meaning they don’t recognize the authority of U.S. law. Some of the ones featured in the article use this distinction to avoid paying taxes and bills, to stockpile weapons and to delude themselves into thinking that smuggling cocaine and other drugs into the country is OK. The story is also rife with descriptions of fraudulent banking and financial scamming.

If these people want to separate themselves from American law and its protections, all I ask is that they’re consistent. Which would necessitate the following:

1. Not using roads or highways, ever.

2. Not calling the police in the event that a crime is committed against them.

3. Not listening to or watching radio or network television.

4. Not sending their kids to school (from the look of the article, this one isn’t that hard for them to follow).

5. Not eating anything with corn in it. Ever. And that includes high-fructose corn syrup. Because corn is grown with tasty government subsidies.

6. Actually, just stop eating any produce they didn’t grow themselves, just to be sure.

7. Not eating food or taking medicine that’s been cleared by the FDA (and if it hasn’t, God only knows what’s in it).

8. Not buying imported products of any kind.

9. Not buying products whose manufacture is supported by government subsidies or other tax incentives of any kind.

10. Not using electricity, indoor plumbing or other public utilities.

11. Not driving any car that’s met government regulations of any kind.

12. Not flying on a plane. Ever.

13. Not living in a house whose construction met government-set building codes.

14. Not calling the fire department. Ever.

15. Not visiting any kind of hospital or emergency room.

16. Not using a clock or watch with a Congress-set time on it.

17. Not calling government-run consumer-protection advocates when they get taken by check fraudsters.

18. Not attending a public university of any kind (again, not a problem by the looks of it).

19. Not eating the food, wearing the clothing or using the facilities of any jail in which they might find themselves.

20. Not accepting any type of government-disbursed money or aid, including Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, food stamps and/or public housing.

Good luck!